I'm sorry I want to write down all my thoughts inspired by this lovely serie in English, as a language learner. At the beginning I started this serie just because my longing to learn well English. Maybe also some expective of this kind of history deep inside me. Yeah, I'm also homossexual, a lesbian who till now haven't fallen in with any boys. However, I have some problems phychologically, I mean, I have a strong sense of inferiority, which cause me many times I don't have a courage to express myself, my true feeling. I always used to hide myself behind the caracter I created, which I want others to see and consider me like that, because I always believe this caracter will be loved by everybody around me and I will not suffer from the pain fo being abandoned. I'm a such ridiculous person. I'm always afraid of the criticism from the other people, no matter who. And always misundertand the conceit of abandon and criticism. I just think these two are the same thing. Maybe the fear of abandon make me try my best to satisfy everybody around me and and then I think I will not be abandoned. I realized it's wrong. It's unfair to myself.
Let's back to our lovely serie. I'm so lucky to have this opportunity to know and enjoy it. It show a world that I have always been longing to get it, telling me that all the things I've imagined could turn to reality one day.I can get my happiness,my felicity in the futue. Don't be afraid of anything, you can, on the other side of the world, there are some people that have alrealdy lived in that way and lived very happy. That a wonderful news to me.
The serie also stimulate my dream to know the world. I always want to go to the outside world. It may begin at the time after the Examintation and I needed to choose my university. I only selected those school of the other province, like Beijing, Guangzhou, because I knew I would never only want to stay at that small city, even Sichuan province is also too small for me. I want to go out although at that time I still didn't know very clearly the reason why I hoped so much to go out. Now I understand a little. And maybe this feeling began more early. Maybe that time, when my parents asked me to chooso where I prefered to continuing my high school study, that town or Shifang city, with my grandparents. Yeah, I chosed Shifang, at that young age. Yeah, in the deep heart, maybe I always want to chase hapiness and believe only the outside world exist this chance to change myself. Just the desire to survive makes me go out.
Now Beijing is not enough for me. I want to go far away. I know the actual China is not fitting very well my thoughts. So I should begin another time my new traveling to find other place more proper to me. I'm always on the road and still don't know where is my destination, where I could have a nice break and peaceful life. Maybe I can find, maybe cannot, but I will continue to look for, now that I need to live .
以上是关于一直想外走心理的自我剖析，尽力用英文了。还是想用中文写点东西，还有一些别的想法。想把这部剧给我的新思维都记载下来。
Bette和Tina一直是我最宝贝的一对。一二季里面她们感情的裂痕让我有了一些新的感悟。Bette的出轨（好吧我并不喜欢这个词觉得它带有贬义色彩），确实是情有可原的，正如B所说，她很努力地在克制自己了，但是最终她的理性控制不了她感性的冲动。Tina那段时间和她心理上的沟通障碍以及情绪的崩溃急需要一个发泄点，这个时候木匠（此处不带歧视，只是实在想不起叫啥名了）出现了，她也放纵了自己，做出了让T伤心的事。
我一直觉得人的感情是没法抑制的，我不能用道德去一直压抑自己，设限自己，告诉自己不能跨越这道线，这是错的（Most of our country's education uses this way to limit our behavior）。即使B控制住自己， 心理有了第三人，还是会对他们的感情产生隔阂。问题不能只说是B的，T也有原因。不能单纯因为T没有做对不起B的事，T默默地承受怀孕的痛苦，就把万恶全部推给B，B也是受害者。
粘一段台词
Bette:It's kind of an act of free will,I exhausted every ounce of will I had and I still couldn’t stop myself.Tina is the only person that I am in love with.The fact is she disappeared on me she was depressed and she was completely wrappe in herself I tried to talk to her about it, but she completely shut me out
Alice:Out of seven years, I think you can wait it.
Bette:She abandoned me as much as I abandon her,we both did it.
虽然从来没有恋爱过，但是我开始思考这种关系。要两个人一辈子都在一起，无时无刻保留着激情，无时无刻相互理解，太难。而我希望，当出现问题的时候，能把有了新的荷尔蒙冲动的一方，锁在另一方身边的，不要是道德。确实很难，如果一方还爱着另一方，而另一方的心已到了他方。那么是告诉她，还是不告诉她。告诉她，她会伤心，不告诉她，她知道了后会更绝望。我总觉得，在充分尊重两个人的感受下，能不能磨合出一种新的方式，能最大可能的减少对两个人的伤害。一如传闻中三毛对荷西的那种处理。毕竟不是不爱了，只是在这一刻没在一个拍上。我也不知道，慢慢探索吧。
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